Accept and do not compare, or how to raise siblings

Every parent wants his child to have high self-esteem, think well about himself and believe in his abilities. To achieve this, some of us use strategies that, unfortunately, do not always turn out to be effective. One of them is comparing the child to siblings or peers, which can have dramatic consequences for both the children themselves and the relationship with them. how to raise siblings.

The child has a need to be accepted and recognized by parents as they are, with their strengths and weaknesses. No two people are alike, even identical twins differ in temperament, sensitivity, coping strategies, interests and abilities. And what about siblings with a greater or lesser age difference. The first, second and each subsequent child is a different, individual entity. So why do parents constantly compare siblings with each other?

Reasons for comparing

We live in a culture of judgment and comparison. These two strategies come quite easily to parents because our culture is actually based on them, they are just embedded in our lives. Already when we come into the world we are judged, e.g. we receive a given number of points on the  scale. Then there is a kindergarten and a school where grading is the order of the day.

Parents' experiences related to the development of older children may lead to the adoption of the so-called norms of what is typical and what is not. Hence, there are comparisons between subsequent children, also in the field of education.

• When the older sister is an exemplary student, the 3 years younger brother who goes to the same school will inevitably be compared to her. A seemingly innocent message such as "Your sister learned the multiplication table very quickly, you will definitely succeed too", not only communicates what we expect from the younger child, but also emphasizes the sister's behavior as good, desired and worth following. Perhaps some will say, and what's wrong with that? As a parent, I have the right to say what I expect from my child. However, it is worth considering what the younger brother feels in this situation and how it affects his attitude towards his sister. Perhaps this boy would love to learn the multiplication table quickly, but for some reason he is failing. Comparing his parents will certainly not help him. Rather, it will cause a feeling of helplessness, sadness and maybe anger towards your sister.
• The parent's fear of whether the child is developing well and is well. Such thinking is the result of the belief that there is one binding pattern in a child's development, which proves that it is correct. If a child deviates from it, e.g. cannot read in the first grade of elementary school, when his older brother was already doing it fluently at this stage of education, the parent immediately sees it as a problem. Instead of comparing with the so-called œDevelopmental norms and the skills of an older child, it is worth seeking specialist advice from the regional psychological and pedagogical counseling center.
• Motivating the child to try harder to do something or learn something. If our child has a problem with something, he / she is worse at e.g. the multiplication table, the last thing he needs is to cheer him up by comparing to others. The most important thing then is adequate support and acceptance. A supportive approach, care and help will bring about change much faster.

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The Effects of Comparing

• Decreased self-esteem - when a child is compared, they often think that they are not good enough, that they cannot do anything, fail at anything, learn nothing, and are certainly not as smart and wonderful as their brother or sister .
• Reluctance and hostility towards the siblings with whom it is compared.
• Jealousy - he or she is better than me, my parents love him or her more, they are proud, and they only have trouble with me.
• Discouragement to work, to develop, to learn - comparing definitely does not motivate to work on difficulties.

Rebellion, anger and even aggression towards siblings - "if it wasn't there, it would be better".

Comparing does not help sibling relationships. On the contrary, it breeds tension, reluctance and distance. It helps neither the child being compared nor the one to whom we are comparing, because neither of them can feel good about themselves.

What instead of comparing?

Unconditional love, which is giving a child attention and love for being there, not for meeting parental expectations. Conditions should not be made without taking into account the thoughts, feelings, intentions and needs of each child. Children are loved by their parents, no matter how they behave, how they learn, and no matter what difficulties they have in doing so. Unconditional love is important because it allows you to build self-esteem and self-acceptance, not only when the child is doing well, but also when experiencing difficulties and failures, including educational failures. Only when a child experiences acceptance from parents can it build a sense of self-acceptance.

Seeing a child here and now, perceiving diversity as a resource - it is worth looking at each child as a unique individual, as if separately. It is important to recognize the differences between children and approach each one with curiosity and an intention to know, without being based on evaluation or comparison. Being seen and accepted as it is the foundation of building self-esteem.

Acceptance and appreciation - every child is different and has a right to its ups and downs. They also shape the child's personality, and what helps when experiencing difficulties is the adult's kind response, support and acceptance. These are questions like: how can I help you, what can we do together, what is your idea, what will we do now?

 What does it mean to accept a child?

• To look at your child with kindness and allow him to be who he is, that is, separate from us, but also from his siblings.
• Take it as it is, without repairing or "tweaking" it according to your own expectations or dreams.
• Be convinced that the child is competent and able to take care of his needs, although he needs our support in this regard.

It is worth remembering that when it is difficult for us to accept a child, it may be that we ourselves need acceptance for ourselves, i.e. accepting and taking care of our emotions and needs.

Comparing hurts, distances, creates tension, distance between children. As parents, let's remember that each child is different and each child develops at its own pace. Each of them also has its own talents and strengths. Let us discover them with curiosity and let each child be just himself.